I am very pumped. In just one week I will be heading to America. No doubt this will continue a frenzy of blog posts and, more specifically, some more ‘Becoming A Man’ blogposts. International travel? Dealing with pickpockets? Hating the Lakers? The list could go on.
But SPEAKING of lists, here is a list of things I want to do while I’m in America.
- Throw a rock at the Grand Canyon
- Wrap a bald eagle in the Stars and Stripes
- Go to the Grantland offices, harass Bill Simmons until he comes out, then say, “hey man, we have the same birthday!” “Yeah?” Then stand there awkwardly looking at each other until he slowly sidles away.
- Visit the suburb of Beverly Hills (90210), then go to the O.C., look at it condescendingly and say, “90210 was better”.
- Go to the Australian embassy and jump in and out of the gate saying, “Australia, America, Australia, America, Australia!” Because in Australia they take that kind of crap. Sir.
- Watch the Lion King in Las Vegas, then ask the cast repeatedly to sing different songs from, “Cats”.
- Similarly: try to get the character playing baby Simba and personally hold him over my head in a dramatic fashion. What…but it’s okay for a MONKEY to do it? Come on.
- Busk by singing, “Born in the USA” and see how many Americans pick up on the irony.
- Take my flag-wrapped bald eagle and teach it how to fetch donuts for me. Before it becomes obese and overfed like Mojo.
- Spend my time in San Diego re-enacting key scenes from, “Anchorman” (seriously, though)
- Discover the true meaning of, “San Diego”
Fight Ride Arm-wrestleWatch the dolphins at Seaworld
- See if the women are truly as strong as the men are pretty in San Francisco
- Re-enact the scene in Shawshank where they escape from Alcatraz and Kurt Russell screams, “It was earth all along! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!”
- Check with Hollywood producers that I haven’t confused my movies/put them together in some form of bizarre mash-up
- Sneak onto the set of “Community” as an extra
- Sneak onto the set of “Dr Phil” as a hairpiece
- Visit Saddleback Church and bemoan the lack of actual saddles
- Walk down Rodeo Drive and bemoan the lack of actual rodeos
- Watch an NBA game *sob*
- Work on my extreme whiteness
- Witness a double rainbow
- Inspire T-Pain to create an album full of auto-tuned songs about me.
- Inspire T-Pain to create an album full of auto-tuned songs about my American flag-wrapped, trained-to-steal-donuts, morbidly obese and overfed helper bald eagle
- Once and for all settle the argument about whether Mt Rushmore is in North Dakota or South Dakota. And once it’s settled, to close both states down due to lack of interest.
- Be involved in one of Eli Manning’s classic pranks
- Continue to upheld the proud tradition in America that all Australians are truly excellent people.
I’ll let you know how that last one goes.
More blog posts to come of my Sydney and USA adventures.